


And Knowing Is Half The Battle

by steveelotaku



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Gen, The Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye (IDW)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 11:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22849276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steveelotaku/pseuds/steveelotaku
Summary: Rodimus is told to show an "improving" movie for movie night after ticking off Ultra Magnus.Ultra Magnus will regret that.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 36





	And Knowing Is Half The Battle

It was movie night on the _Lost Light_ once again, and this time Rodimus was in charge of the movie. Unfortunately, he had once more found himself on the wrong side of Ultra Magnus, and the former Duly Appointed Enforcer of the Tyrest Accord had been busy reading him not only the Riot Act, but the Autobot Code, a document far more verbose and infinitely more painful.

“I’m told last time you picked the movie for movie night you chose something vile and utterly depraved. Not only was the procedure depicted in the film 100% medically inaccurate, it involved organic functions being depicted in a way no being should ever have to see.”

“I thought it was a superhero film!” Rodimus protested weakly. “I mean, _Spider-Man. Ant-Man._ Why shouldn’t _The Human Centipede_ follow the same logic?”

“Whirl put you up to it.”

“He did, the sociopathic son-of-a-“

“Language, Rodimus. Seeing as you are, by some misfortune, in charge of the movie tonight, I ask only that you put on something _improving._ And that does not mean _Alien VS Predator._ ”

Rodimus sat stewing in his quarters, until Ratchet pushed open the door.

“I have something for you,” he said, plunking down a memory stick. “You didn’t get it from me, but you can thank me later. It’s ‘improving’, alright.”

Opening up the stick’s contents on his computer, Rodimus grinned.

\--

“So I’ve got some bad news, guys,” Rodimus said, as he stood in front of the screen that night. “I’ve managed to make Ultra Magnus very upset, and he said we have to watch something _improving_ tonight. Our regularly scheduled debauchery will resume next week, as soon as Captain Killjoy isn’t breathing down my rotator.”

“Please tell me this isn’t something he suggested,” Megatron sighed wearily from the audience.

“I saw one documentary about the history of early Cyberton,” Tailgate said, nervously. “It was eight hours long. And that was only the first part!”

“Guys, relax. I have something improving…and entertaining.”

“On with it, then,” muttered Cyclonus. “If I’m to suffer, at least get it going already.”

Rodimus grinned and turned on the video.

“AUTOBOT HIGH COMMAND PROUDLY PRESENTS” read the title card.

Ultra Magnus, who had been sitting at the back, quietly excused himself, looking perturbed.

“AN ULTRA MAGNUS PUBLIC INFORMATION FILM: CULT SAFETY”

Magnus found the doors bolted shut, and sat down in silence.

The film began as the Lost Lighters muttered amongst themselves.

“Ultra Magnus here!” boomed the grainy image of a younger Magnus. “I’m here today to talk to you about a very important issue! So put on your thinking caps as I talk to you about Cybertron’s most dangerous problem—cults!”

Ultra Magnus walked down the streets of Cyberton, trying to look stylish and cool, and succeeded about as well as Megatron attempting to not look intimidating in a Great War Veteran’s Society meeting.

“The first turborrific tip,” the video Magnus said, sounding utterly defeated. “What is a cult?”

“What’s a cult?” asked a random Autobot in the video, who was desperately trying to sound like a young bot and managed to only sound like a weary 30-something human.

“I’m glad you asked! A cult is a dangerous organization full of dangerous ideas! They pretend to be your friend so that you’ll do what they want!”

“Much like Getaway!” snarked Tailgate.

The real Ultra Magnus chuckled slightly through his embarrassment.

“Gee, Magnus, I just joined this group of great bots called the Friends of Tarn! But I’m a bit worried. They tell me if I want to be cool, I should get the Decepticon logo branded on my face!”

“Said no one ever,” snarked Megatron.

“Well, old spark,” the video Magnus said, almost visibly facepalming. “It sounds like you may have joined a cult! There’s nothing cool about being a Decepticon!”

“What’s a Decepticon?” asked another 30-something child.

“Let’s find out!”

A video popped up out of a badly-edited video screen nearby. Static and artifacts filled the picture as stock footage from another “ULTRA MAGNUS PUBLIC INFORMATION FILM” popped in.

“The Decepticons are a dangerous terrorist group,” boomed a friendly voice trying to sound scary, one that sounded oddly familiar. “They want to limit the freedom of all sentient beings.”

“Orion Pax?! How’d the hell they get him to do this?” Megatron sputtered in disbelief.

“He needed the money,” snarked Ultra Magnus from the back.

“Watch,” the future Optimus Prime said. “Here is a dramatic re-enactment of a real encounter with the Decepticon leader, Megatron.”

A young Autobot was walking down an alley, when a cloaked figure showed up, grabbed it by the throat and splattered it violently against the wall. Innermost Energon formed the Decepticon logo on the wall as the body slid down, and the cloaked figure threw off its hood, revealing Ratchet with a bucket on his head and glowing red eyes.

“I am Megatron. And every day you don’t donate to the war effort is another day I kill one of your children.”

Megatron looked incensed in the audience.

“Lies and slander! I offered the child an information pamphlet!”

“Megatron makes sketchy offers to children while wearing a hood,” Swerve noted. “Ah, the ‘windowless van with free candy’ approach to recruitment.”

Whirl snickered.

“Donate to your local recruiter today,” said the voice of Ultra Magnus. “Because the death of your child is something we can’t deal with right now.”

“Whoa, harsh, Magnus!”

“It was poorly worded, Whirl,” the real Magnus said. “I fought them on that one but they refused to change it!”

“Geez, that’d give some poor kid nightmares,” Swerve muttered.

“You should see the one I did on proper Pathblaster safety,” Magnus said. “Now that was nightmare fuel. ‘1 in every 10 Autobots does not keep firearms properly locked up. Now 1 in 10 of them have no more children to worry about.”

“What is it with this department and child murder?” Tailgate wondered.

The film resumed after more static.

“Gee, I shouldn’t have gotten involved!” said the 30-something kid, who had been visibly re-cast mid-production and now had a visible gut. “But Tarn says he’ll murder my entire family if I tell!”

“He would,” Megatron muttered.

“That’s why you call your local branch of the Autobot police!” Magnus explained, cheerfully, patting the child on the head.

“I saw the local sergeant attending one of the meetings,” said another Autobot, one who sounded even older than the other. “What do I do if I think the local police have joined a cult?”

“Well, it’s simple!” Ultra Magnus said. “Just dial this radically awesome number below!”

Visibly, the young Ultra Magnus gritted his teeth and pointed down, the number appearing above him instead.

“Thanks, Ultra Magnus! Now we know!” said both very adult kids in unison.

“And knowing is half the battle!” Magnus said, proudly, saluting the Autobot flag.

“ULTRA MAGNUS! DULYAPPOINTEDENFORCEROFTHETYRESTACCORD!” sang a voice, desperately trying to cram every lyric into an entirely too short jingle.

The film ended, and the room fell about the place laughing.

“I have about 20 more of these,” Rodimus said, grinning. “Some include: Ultra Magnus Says: Never Follow a Stranger; Ultra Magnus Says: Don’t Play With Null Rays; Ultra Magnus Says: Speeding Trains Are Not Your Friend; and my personal favourite: Ultra Magnus Tells You About Conjunx Endurae.”

Ultra Magnus sighed.

“You’ve made your point, Rodimus. Just let me go before you watch the rest, okay? It’s embarrassing.”

“On the contrary,” Ratchet said. “I feel it’s quite important we learn from past mistakes. Just wait until you see me as Megatron again in ‘Ultra Magnus in: The Bad Touch.’”

Megatron’s head was firmly in his hands.

“Starscream got a copy of that one,” Megatron muttered. “He wouldn’t stop quoting it for a week until I tore his arms off.”

“Understandable,” Ratchet said. “I had to co-star with Star Saber in one. _Star Saber._ ”

The entire room fell silent.

“Which film was that?” asked Tailgate.

“’Authority Figures You Can Trust’, muttered Ratchet, disgusted.”

Ultra Magnus sighed hard.

“Next week, Rodimus, just pick _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre._ It’d be less scarring than half of these. For _all our sakes_.”


End file.
